"If your sleeping are you dreaming, if your dreaming are you dreaming of me?" - Blue October

From Myspace:
Ok well here is prolly some incoherent babble thats basically flowing through my mind right now and its essentially about the last blog entry i wrote about. I was just recently able to clear my head of all thought. Go figure that! but in doing so there was one left, one that i assume was drive the rest of them. Why i was thinking of it i have no fucking clue, why do i seem to believe in it although i know its not a fact at all, who the hell knows, and why does it seem to haunt me? your guess is as good as mine. Essentially you reading this will prolly get up to the part about the problem and go "oh, come on man" or have a reaction similar to this. by all means go ahead and stop reading now b/c your wasting your time. But if you wish to continue and possibly help me figure this out, then lets see if something works. The simple end of it is. I think that love has given up on me. See its one of those come on things huh. but to me its ture. I dont think its forever. I think that its just for the moment. how long this moment? who knows. But i feel this.. overwhelming desire to find and be in love. Over the course i've tried to find someone to like and ask out. But the bad side is that most just seemed to die down. Its taken months to recover from a previous relationships and i guess im still feeling the after effects from that. In my mind and heart i for sure can like someone. but to me its not enought to just want the plain relationship. I want there to be love in the relationship. Lately, the girls i liked seemed to wither away in my hands, so to speak. I mean really I do like these girls but there just dont seem to be any "sparks," except for one where there is a slight flicker. I hope that flicker turns into a spark, then to flame, then to what ive wanted for a long time. hm, in some cases this entire situation make me mad, even furious, but i cant help but laugh at myself. I think its im part that when i do think about all of this. its at this time of night *12am* and when im tired i just babble and think for no cause... just because it feels like it. Which is the part im glad about b/c i rather express these bottled up emotions then supress them as i have seemed to have done for the past months. I really never came straight forward with my feelings in my last "thing". even to this day i still dont think i copped up to my true feelings for her. Although now i say that i hate her, i know that it isnt true. Dislike what she has done yes, hate some of her actions, definatly. but somehow i still love her. I really do need to let go. and by this point in time your either still reading this or left a while ago b/c to me it seems like a waste of time. I doing this b/c im bored, wide awake, seems to be the only thing on my mind for the last few hours, and i dont really feel compelled to any other conversation. i do wish to resolve this dillema in my mind. whether it is a dillema or im blowing it up into one, i rather not think about it, it just happens. the only solution ive thought of is to get a girlfriend. The best choice? prolly not, but i cant really think of any other options to persue. do you? if you do tell me damnit. no bullshit either. Im trying to get rid of this problem, not as fast as possible but i guess relativly soon. idk.. if i can find someone i like and think about all the time thats all that i really feel like i need at this point. I think im going to end it here... i dont think i posed a problem to fix nor some relavent information to give me advice on. so i dont really expect that many comments or w/e. I just felt that i also needed to get this off my chest come to think about it. That and do give a little insight to whats going on in this weird mind... well cya